Thursday, July 16, 2009

John Leguizamo's Voice...But Worse

Don't ask me why, but lately, I've been thinking a lot about animals. Wild animals that is; not dogs and cats and those annoying little guys from G-Force. All this thinking got me to pondering a very important question: If you could pick any wild animal NOT to be in the next life, what would it be?

Obviously, there are a lot of possible choices. You can go with the "prey" approach. I mean, really, who wants to spend their whole life getting chased by lions and cheetahs? Being an impala would definitely suck.

You could also go with the "dirty jobs" approach. Who would really want to be a dung beetle anyways? Rolling balls of elephant turds around all day sounds like fun and all, but I would probably pass. Or what about a sea cucumber? Well, ok, it might be cool to throw up your stomach to distract predators. Fine, that one's off the list.

Then you could go for the "just plain boring" approach. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you would be hard pressed to find someone who would want to be a legless lizard or a cane toad.

As for me, the animal I would least like to be would probably be a crow.

For starters, let me go over a few things that crows have going for them. Obviously, they can fly, which is awesome. They also don't have very many predators, which is definitely a plus. Also, they're a major part of Native American mythology, which is definitely a perk. And lastly, they're black, which is sweet because if you were a crow, you could go dive bomb people at night.

Now let me tell you why I would never, ever, ever want to be a crow: the noise they make.

When I was little, I lived in a guest house on my grandparents property. It was a fairly large property that had a huge yard full of old oaks. During the springtime, these little green worms would come down from the trees, suspended by this silky thread they secreted. As soon as those worms came, so did the crows. When we were outside the house, the cawing would be so loud, we could barely hear. Seriously, they couldn't think of a better noise to make? Not only that, but if there's one thing you can say for crows, it's that they know how to project. Their caws are way too loud for an animal that size.

Here's one for you: If you were a female crow, how would you choose your mate? If I was a girl crow, I woudn't be able to take all the cawing. I would probably fly myself into a window faster than the crows in those Windex commercials. Also, can girl crows really tell the difference between caws? My guess is yes. Even though any two caws sound the same to me, I would bet money that to lady crows, some guy crows sound like Barry White and some sound like John Leguizamo.

So, finally, let me refine my previous statement: If I had to pick one animal to NOT be in the next lifetime, it would be a guy crow who the lady crows think sounds like John Leguizamo.

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